Unburdening
Teresa Benitez
Genre
Biography/Autobiography, Non-Fiction
Publication Date
04/10/2022
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About the Book
Teresa Benitez—an engineer, doctor, and professor—had three abortions between 2004 and 2022. Although she was against abortion until 2004, her first pregnancy awakened her deepest fears: was she good enough to raise a family? Or would her unresolved childhood trauma, and resulting mental illness, render her incapable of love?
In Unburdening, each pregnancy termination is meticulously described. The aftermath of each abortion is explored, including the mystifying blend of relief and distress that often remains after the procedure is over.
A moving memoir infused with poetic prose, Unburdening is a story of motherhood, abortion, and mental health. It delves into generational trauma, survival, love, self-forgiveness, and healing.
Book Excerpt
“How are you? Tell me about your thoughts and feelings these days,” Genevieve said during one of our tele-health sessions after my third abortion.
“I am relieved. And elated.”
“That is interesting,” she said. “Why do you think that you feel this way this time compared to the other abortions?”
“This was a choice of empowerment. I chose to persevere. I chose to give Teresita the best of me. To give myself the best of me. I was not ready for another uphill battle where all of us could suffer.”
“Who do you mean by ‘all of us’?”
“Teresita, a new baby, and me,” I replied.
“I appreciate your wording. A choice of empowerment. Did you feel like you had that type of choice in the past?”
“I always thought I was mistaken, that I would make the wrong decisions. That I would do everything wrong. A burden.”
“Burden. That is a word that you have used before.”
“I have felt like a burden for so long, Genevieve. So long.”
“This is a term that we use in therapy: ‘unburdening’. Letting go of the pain, of unprocessed emotions and trauma. Repairing attachment wounds. Have you heard of the phrase ‘mother wound’?
“No. What is it?”
“It happens to a child when a mother is not present in the way that the child needs. Maybe the mother is abusive, maybe she is negligent. Maybe she is emotionally absent,” Genevieve said.
“And what happens to someone who is wounded this way?”
“It may affect their perception of reality. It may make them more susceptible to low self-esteem, depression, substance abuse. They may lack emotional awareness. May develop unhealthy survival mechanisms. And they may pass it on to the next generation,” Genevieve said.
“Oh, no. How do I… how do I make sure that I do not pass it on to Teresita?”
“As you heal, Teresa, as you become unburdened, you break those chains.”
“That’s what I want. What I have always wanted. Even with my other pregnancies. To break the cycle. But sometimes I worry. I worry about Teresita.”
“And why do you worry?”
“Is she ready for all the challenges as she gets older? Is she affected by John’s absence? Will she grow up to be like me? Am I raising her correctly?”
“Those are some tough questions to answer, do you agree? Do you ask her some of these questions?”
“Sometimes I do. I ask her about John.”
“What does she say?”
“That she wants nothing to do with him. She does not seem upset about it, though.”
“Would you say that it is common for her to not show emotion?” Genevieve asked.
“Oh, no, no. Just when I talk about John. With everything else, let me think. At times she seems sad. Sometimes she’s happy and singing and jumping around, but sometimes she cries because of an argument with a friend, or a grade that she thinks isn’t high enough. She asks many questions about how her body will change. Sometimes, she’s scared. We talk a lot. I’m glad that she’s expressive, though. It helps me to help her.”
“Interesting. Expressive. Do you remember how you described yourself during your childhood or even teenage years?” Genevieve asked.
“Not expressive? I don’t know.”
“There is another word that you have mentioned a few times.”
“Numb,” I said.
“Yes. Numb, conceivably as a response to traumatic experiences. Does she seem numb to you?”
“No.”
Genevieve beamed. She was good. I smiled back.
“She’s not like I was,” I said, crying. “She isn’t numb, Genevieve.”
“She’s not.”
“Does this mean that the mother wound that you mentioned earlier, the inherited pain that has been passed down—”
“Mhm?”
“Does this mean that it ends with me?” I asked. Genevieve tilted her head, parted her lips as if to speak, and faintly nodded. “It does,” I said triumphantly. “It ends with me.”
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About the Author
Teresa Benitez
Born in Puerto Rico in 1984, Teresa Benitez has a B.S., M.S., and Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering. She was an engineering professor for nine years. Teresa currently lives in Gainesville, Florida, with her ten-year-old daughter and three cats.
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